Read this if
- You and your cofounders argue a lot
- Your cofounders aren’t doing their fair share of work
- You want to have more effective conversations with your confounder
Marriage advice by John Gottman
- Founders need to optimize a relationship that can last for 10 years
- Everyone fights (money, kids, sex, time, jealously, in-laws)
- (Fundraising, customer/employee, performance, roadmap, competition, partnership)
Four things to avoid when fighting
- 4 Horsemen indicator of serious trouble
- Criticism: trait = we don’t fight on 1 topic (we try to bring other issue to play)
- Contempt: Making things personal
- Defensiveness: people that don’t admit something is wrong
- Stonewalling: people that told problem but won’t engage
Planning for disagreement / defense for 4 horsemen
- Divide & conquer (protect against defensiveness)
- Who’s responsible for what task: person that we have assigned ahead of time in certain category should make decision or responsible for it
- Once we decide ownership / delegate task, determine success & failure
- Example success:
- Money = successful fundraise
- Kids = high employee retention
- Sex = 20% YOY sales growth
- Time = shipping on time weekly
- Jealously = we’re rated top 3!
- In-laws = referral program working
- Example failure (trigger conversation)
- Money = 3 months runway or less
- Kids = low NPS score
- Sex = website loading > 10 second
- Time = new features not used
- Jealously = churn too high
- In-laws = failed partnership
- We should define what success / failure is early when we sober because when we angry / emotion come into play we might not be thinking rationally
- Usually, CEO has final say
- Board has real final say
- Know Thyself (protect against stonewalling)
- What is your attachment style?
- Secure = people that don’t mind to be vulnerable himself and to other
- Anxious = people that need validation from other
- Avoidant = people that don’t have enough courage to embrace something (avoiding something)
- Most people would be have either anxious or avoidant rather than well-develop & secure people
- Document a process (protect against criticism)
- While we’re emotionally sober, create a process for dealing with disagreements
- Decision framework for disagreement: matterapp.com
- There are lots of ways, we just all have to agree a head of time
Use non violent communication (protect against contempt)
- Avoid making things personal = communicate in a way that will not be threatening
- Books (non-violent communication by Marshall B Rosenberg)
- Format when giving criticism: “when [observation], i feel [emotion] because i’m needing some [universal needs]; would you be able to [request]?”
- Observation vs Evaluation = start disagreement / criticism by anchoring something concrete (not opinion, something we saw / heard)
- Example:
- Observation = you said that you’d send that document last week and i haven’t receive it
- Evaluation = you fucking lazy / your work is sloppy (evaluating the person)
- You arrived 10 minutes late this morning vs you always late!
- I sent 2 emails & i haven’t receive a response vs you ignore me!
- Observation = we start with a fact that can’t be refuted (so we’re not going to bring something else)
- Emotions vs Thoughts = we’re not saying thought when irrefutable observation make we feel something, instead talk about feelings
- How to tell something is though ; feeling = substitute phrase “i think” with “i feel”
- I think frustrated (doesn’t work, therefore this is a feeling)
- I think you’re not taking this seriously (this is a thought)
- Be very careful about anger since it’s the host of other things
- Example:
- i feel blamed = i feel scared
- i feel misunderstood = i feel frustated
- i feel judge = i feel resentful
- i feel rejected = i feel hurt
- PDF evaluating emotion = slideshare.net/nonviolent/evaluating-words-list-nonviolent-communication
- Universal needs = when we feel something: something missing / we need something
- Careful = is it strategy? or need? and is it truly universal?
- Example:
- i need a sandwich (not universal need)
- i need a sandwich for my nourishment (this is a strategy)
- i need you to copy me on every email (not universal)
- i need some transparency in this process (universal needs)
- Careful to not making needs about something very specific to yourself or just that situation
- Universal need (everyone could agree & should have)
- Request vs Demands = notice something that can’t be refuted, already told about how we feel and how it impact us and result in universal need now we’d like to have changed as a result
- Make a request > demand = invitation to meet our universal need
- Make it specific
- Say what you want
- Stay curious
- Example:
- I request you to be more respectful (not specific, what’s respectful mean?)
- I request you arrived to meetings on time (specific)
- I request when team member share idea, you ask 2/3 question before sharing a conclusion (say what we wants) vs I request you don’t dismissed other people idea (not what we want)
- Stay curious = maybe i haven’t put this request in a way that can meet more needs than just myself, could i do this in a way so they can understand to be onboard for everyone to be sort of involved?
- Article: medium.com (how to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situation by Dave Balley)
Pay down your emotional debt
- Pay this down everyday
- Prevent small thing from becoming big things (bring up stuff even if it tiny or small)
- Practice having level 3 conversations
- level 1 = informal conversation (data exchange, passing information back and forth)
- level 2 = have some emotion, talk about things that are personal
- level 3 = they’re relational, enggage with something that happening right now between 2 people that is super super important (deep dive into what it might really troubling / mattering)
- Example:
- Goal
- What are our short term goals for the company?
- Are we using the right metrics?
- Are we hitting our goals?
- Roles
- Is it clear who is responsible for what?
- Do we agree that the current division makes the most sense?
- Performance
- Is our workload distributed in a optimal manner today?
- Do we all feel a high level of dedication and motivation?
- what mechanisms are in place for providing feedback to each other?
Conclusion
- Everyone fights, so make a plan
- Figure out roles, goals and a process before emotions get involved
- Start having hard conversations now
- Use non violent communication to share honest feedback without criticism
- Pay down emotional debt regularly
Notes
[1] The “Four Horsemen” model comes from psychologist John Gottman’s research on marriage stability. YC frequently references this in founder communication training as a framework to spot and address toxic interaction patterns early.
[2] Dividing responsibilities upfront and assigning ownership is a core idea from Amazon’s “single-threaded leader” model and widely practiced in high-functioning startups. It helps reduce ambiguity and prevent blame during high-stress moments.
[3] Attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) come from adult attachment theory in psychology. Founders who are aware of their patterns tend to be more emotionally resilient and better at navigating conflict in cofounder relationships.
[4] The “non-violent communication” (NVC) format is based on Marshall Rosenberg’s work. It’s become a popular tool in founder circles for giving feedback that’s direct but non-hostile—especially when tension is high.
[5] The concept of “emotional debt” and level 1/2/3 conversations draws from coaching frameworks like Conscious Leadership and Reboot. Addressing small issues early helps prevent relationship breakdowns that sink startups.
[6] The “define success and failure while you’re sober” idea echoes pre-mortem and decision hygiene techniques taught by YC, Stripe Press authors, and startup coaches like Jerry Colonna. It’s about setting rational expectations before emotions flare up.
[7] MatterApp and similar tools (e.g. Almanac, Notion templates) are often used to formalize cofounder operating agreements—especially in remote or async teams.